Depressed

Just some thoughts.. One of those days..
My needs in controlling things are breaking down. Ever since I grew up I needed to control everything to feel safe, cause then I know: IF I control em, it doesn’t break don’t or destroy my every day. Get my sis and bro from schools, making food, taking care of them and being there as their mom for them. All so our mom could get home and relax.
Every time I loose control of something, my life shuts down a bit and it hurts. Even if a big dream crushes before my feet I go down with depressions and wanting to end it all. My life as a woman is ending and in 2 years tops, I can’t have kids anymore by then. Then I have nothing to live for. Nothing to stay alive for anymore. I want to use my life to take care of someone. To spend my time with and protect. I have no one to do so. I don’t feel so safe anymore.
I’m going to be a walking dummy with no purpose. It's getting even worse now, that my fiency isn’t mature enough. I’m 10 years older than him, and therefore ready to commit family. But as he isn’t ready for either mirage or kids, I’m kind of screwed. My whole life I have dreamt about getting a family of my own and having a really beautiful wedding, like a princess and while I’m pretty. MY day. Not going to happened.
But with my fiency words today, I’m never going to get any of it. And it tears me apart. I’m done for. All my dreams ended today! Got nothing left now! I’m just a stupid dummy walking around. I fell so dead inside. Feels like I’m walking around like a living dead. So much to give and no one to give it to.
My fiency doesn’t ever need anything from me besides money, wanting to wake up with someone and sex! He can find a new "love toy". I don’t need to work for anything and I don’t need to have a huge house. And if so? For what? I don’t need all those rooms anyway or a big yard. What do I need a big yard for?
I think I’m going to do what’s best for all of us: Just go find the right day to tell him that it's over. That he should go find someone who is around the same age as himself and just as mature as him and then quiet take my goodbyes and slip away for good this time.
I’ll spend every coin from my enharridge on the fastest car I can get my hands into, remove the airbags and take "the ride of life". At least that dream will come true then. If I needed anything, it would be a man that is just as mature as me and ready for that kind of commitment, that I am AND actually cares for me. Not someone who just sits there, pretending to listen or don’t want to be around me when I’m depressed.
   
I might as well end it. I’m giving up. I just can’t continue living like this.
I’m slowly dying anyway.

du på engelsk?

Let me know if you are unable to read this 😉
Tag chancen og lev dit eget liv.
Se i øjnene, at hvis du ville have familie, skulle du ikke have valgt en så meget mere umoden mand - han er slet ikke grydeklar, og han mærker ikke det biologiske ur tikke.
Ud med ham. Kig dig omkring og beslut dig for, hvad du vil.
Slet ingen grund til at ringe med dødsklokken, der er så uendelig meget at opleve, at du i stedet burde føle, at der ikke er tid nok. Måske du ikke når alle de mål, du eller din opvækst har udstukket for dig, men der er andre horisonter, andre oplevelser, andre ting at bruge kræfter på.
Der er et godt gammelt princip, der hedder: egen succes er at foretrække, men andres fiasko kan også bruges til at sætte ting i perspektiv. Hvis ikke du selv når at få børn, deler du skæbne med mange andre. Men du har åbenbart kræfter i behold, så du kunne "låne" andres børn, enten i familie, venner eller andre steder, hvis det absolut skal være små irriterende skabninger 😉
Men der er mange andre, der har behov for en hjælpende hånd, hvis altså bare du gider. Tillad mig at være en smule sur over, at du er parat til at smide det hele ud med badevandet.
Op med hovedet og på med vanten 🙂