Hjælp til engelsk ansøgning

Hej alle sammen.. jeg er 17 år og er igang med at ansøge på et "college" I udlandet.
Men jeg skal skrie en lille stil om mig selv. Og det er jeg super dårlig til..
Hvad syntes i at jeg skal rette/skrive i den. Alle de colleges i hele verden forkusere meget på en global verden så det skal stå lidt om det. Jeg var udvekslings students sidste år men det med Grammatik gik ikke godt ! Så please hjælp mig!!
Her er min stil :
I am 17 years old and I live with my mom, step dad, sister and my step brother. I moved from Copenhagen to Jutland in June. I am attending “*****”. I am studying English on an A level, Spanish A and media B and I am a freshman (1.G).
Last year I was an exchange student for 11 months and I lived with the same family the whole time I was there. I spend the most of my time with the other exchange students from South America, Asia and Europe. It was really exciting to see pictures and to hear about their countries and traditions, and I have contact with them. It was a year that really changed me and I wish I could turn time back.
I heard about UWC when I was at an AFS weekend and I thought it sounded really intriguing. I would like to study in another country first of all because I know it will be a really big experience and second of all because I want to learn more about other cultures.
If I did get the chance to attend a United World College I contribute with telling other people from around the world about Denmark and show them how we are and that we aren’t that different from each other. I would hope to learn more about different cultures and especially try to live with “the whole world” right next to me.
I would really love to study in another country, because other cultures really fascinates me, and instead of going to school here in Denmark, it would be amazing to live near everybody and to do almost everything together!

Tak fordi i gad at læse den.. Og forhåbentlig svare :D

hej, vil gerne prøve og at give lidt hjælp, har boet i england i nogle år så jeg burde kunne hjælpe...
nå men har lige læst den og må indrømme at indholdet kan jeg nok ikke hjælp dig så meget med er ikke den store "writer", men synes at de sidste 2 linier er lidt mærkelige og dem ville jeg nok omformulere lidt hvis det var mig ellers synes jeg at det er meget godt.. men der er lige et par meget små ting....
ok here goes...
i andet afsnit skriver du efter det første punktum; i spend the most of my time... jeg ville fjerne "the" helt så lyder det meget bedre og er stadig helt korrekt!! og længere nede skriver du; and i have contact with them, der skal du lige have et still med så det bliver;and i still have contact with them. det næste du skriver;it was a year that really changed me and i wish i could turn back time; jeg synes at det lyder lidt som om at du fortryder det måske kunne du lave detom til;it was a year that really changed me and i wish i could do it all over again..??
nå men det var egentlig det, mn prøv lige og se om du ikke kan finde en anden slutning...
hvis der er noget så er min email michellestoffer@sol.dk, skriv bare...
håber du bliver optaget, held og lykke, michelle

1000 tak!! Det hjalp mig.. Og det lyder også lidt bedre nu :)

I am a girl of seventeen and I live with my mother,sister,step brother and step father,I moved from Copenhagen to Jutland in June.I am attending x x x where I study English A-level,Spanish A-level and Media Studies also A -level.I am a Freshman (1.G.). I was an exchange student for 11 months last year and lived with the same familie for the duration of my exchange visit.I spend most of my time with the other exchange students,who were from South America,Asia and Europe.It was exciting to hear and see pictures and get to know about different cultures and traditions and I still have contact with my exchange students friends.It was a year that changed me and I wished I could do it all again. I heard about UWC,when I was at an AFS weekend and I thought it sounded exciting.I would like to study in another country,because I know it will be exciting and also I would like to learn about other countries. If I did get the chance to attend a United World College,I would contribute by telling about the Danish culture,life and school etc.I am very interested in learning about other cultures and contries and it would be nice to live with other people and do things together. Yours Sincerely xxx